Right now, as I am starting something new, my mind is racing with questions. What will he think of this? What will I do with the feedback? What if she says I am rubbish? Does that add or take away anything from me? My shoulders are feeling stiff and my stomach is feeling sick. Why am I feeling this way? It is because of the judgements. If no one was reading this would it make a difference? No. What if I am writing for my favourite person who is me or just like me, with similar values and stage of life? Just one person. Not millions or thousands or hundreds, just one.
Ok, so who is this reader? She, or even he, is around middle-aged. They’ve done lots. They have experienced lots; the good, the bad and a lot of the ugly. But also moments of sheer joy and sometimes the feeling that none of it will end. Lots of gains have been had but lots of losses. They show on our bodies. On the lines around the face. On the aches and pains around the body. On the greys of the hair.
Everything that the generations above you told you to do has been done. They’re still not happy! You have strived and yearned for the validation and its still not there, not in the way you want it anyway. But now you have a million questions running around your head. ‘What now?” ‘Is this all there is and was?’ ‘What do I want to do now?” ‘Am I even relevant?’ ‘Who am I”
You’ve done the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘aughts’ and now you’re going through the ‘woulds’ and the ‘why’s but now its the ‘what nows’
What do I do with the time I have? How can I fill my day the way I want to without feeling the ‘social’ guilt? If nothing was an obstacle, what would I do? The answer right now is, I don’t bloody know! Who is me? Is me really me or is it conditioned me? Is what I like, what I like? Is what I hate, really what I hate?
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